Manliest sport in the world comes from … Canada?
Oh Canada. We make jokes and jests about you because you’re fun. Sure, people may say that you’re “too nice” in a pejorative manner, but really, how can being “too nice” actually be a bad thing, hmm?...
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Australian soccer team owner learns the obvious
Clive Palmer, an Australian mining magnate, owns a soccer (or football) team. Not only does he own a team, but he founded an expansion team in Football Federation Australia for the expressed purpose...
View ArticleFrance trolls Italy at the statue-esque level
No one really likes the French. They’re smelly, lilly-livered and rude. My parents visited France this summer, and while they say that they never experienced any of the negative stereotypes, I don’t...
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In former Soviet republic, referee assaults you!
And, in that instant, Vince McMahon realized how close the XFL had been to succeeding. If only he had chosen the right football … if only. Already reeling from being soccer, the sport of soccer...
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Which came first: soccer or brain damage?
“And now I can’t do math. But it’s OK because soccer is mostly scoreless and doesn’t involve any large numbers.” MRI scans of soccer players revealed that those who routinely strike the ball with their...
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You Missed It: Ugly Canadian edition
Acquitted, bitches. It really sucks right now to be a sports fan. There’s no football to look forward to, and the Olympics aren’t here yet. Meanwhile, it’s cold and no one wants to go outside. There’s...
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You Missed It: Bleeding heart edition
“We’re sorry. We’ll never do it again.” Before we get started, this may end up being the last You Missed It you see for a bit. I’m getting married next weekend, and leading up to that I will almost...
View ArticleBiting for a bet
By now, the entire world has heard about Uruguay’s Luis Suarez’s biting of an Italian player during a World Cup match earlier this week. Even people in the U.S. have heard about it and saw the terrible...
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You Missed It: Courting edition
And if that doesn’t work, it’s time for the evil eye. Did you miss me? I didn’t miss you. It’s not anything against all of you fine readers of discerning taste, it’s that while I was gone, I was on a...
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You Missed It: Crumbling edition
WHY, GOD??!! We were all shocked at the news that broke today. It’s been years since this person left, and since then, there’s been bitterness on the part of the fans, and moderate success on the part...
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You Missed It: End of 2014 edition
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either. We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online....
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U.S. finally interested in soccer
The U.S. hasn’t aggressively pursued charges against this many Europeans since Nuremburg, which now makes soccer the Indiana Jones of sports. Just when it looked like America was going to have to...
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You Missed It: Soccerruption edition
Is this FIFA? Let’s just say it is. I’m never sure what to think about day drinking. On the one hand, if you’re drinking outside, there’s a decent chance that its daytime. And drinking outside is...
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You Missed It: End of transition edition
“Crazy woman driver” should round out the sexist things she’s been called. National Doughnut Day is about as American a holiday as any non-Super Bowl day can get. But its roots go back a century....
View ArticleDrinking: The real national pastime
As with most things in life, watching sports is better with alcohol. It turns out that here in America, if you’re watching a game, you’re probably drunk. According to a recent poll of Americans who...
View ArticleThe McBournie Minute: George Washington and muscle cars
This country has enemies–there’s no secret about that. But there is one enemy America has had as long as it has existed. I am speaking of course, about England. Sure, we are now great allies and enjoy...
View ArticlePretty soon the wildebeests will join in
If you watched the U.S.-England game on Saturday, you already heard about this, but you’re American, so you probably didn’t see it. The world is against us at the World Cup, but the animals are, too....
View ArticleYet another team kept at bay by wildlife
Admittedly, we’re discussing the World Cup far more than we anticipated, because the football that we know and love is played with your hands, but just because America yawns at the tournament doesn’t...
View ArticleLet’s see if he can predict the outcome of this
Remember Paul the psychic octopus? He correctly guessed all eight (Octopus. Eight. Get it?) of Germany’s games in the World Cup, as well as Spain’s win in the final round. (I checked with the experts,...
View ArticleEight arms, but only one life
Remember Paul the Octopus? He correctly predicted the outcome of all of Germany’s World Cup games this summer. He was beloved by many, and captured the soccer world’s heart for a few weeks. And now...
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